My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.