so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he just fucked me for my cheese..