cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
