I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
