It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
