i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
