so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
