I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes