Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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