he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
