fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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