I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
