i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
