So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
