you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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