Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
