Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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