The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
someone owes me an orgasm
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
