Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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