I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
