just come out here and I will go home with you...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
