4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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