dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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