I think my vagina is haunted
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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