You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
