11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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