Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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