good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
