the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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