who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Come on in and take your pants off
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