I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
