peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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