I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
