dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
