If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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