He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
