Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
