You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
