I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
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THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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