forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
