I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
