if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
