Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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