Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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