You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
