Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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