batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
