i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
