Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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