Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
