Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
