I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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