I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Drake has all the answers
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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