Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
