Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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