Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
