ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
