I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
