i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
