you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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