I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize