If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
