I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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